December 29th, 2010

Proposal: Let me run all sports in America.

Now that it’s getting closer to the end of this NFL season, shit is crazy. Coaches being fired, players fighting injuries, Brett Favre finally getting his for showin’ his dinkie-doo to a ladyfriend. The usual. (Dude… you should have retired THE FIRST TIME.)

I’m clearly a Colts fan. Well maybe not clearly. I grew up in New Jersey where there are technically no professional football teams. Fans are split between Jets and Giants (up north) and Eagles (south) for the most part in Jersey. I was never loyal to any of ’em. So I adopted the Colts four years ago, right when they won the Superbowl, duh. That’s how I roll.

Indianapolis “won” hosting duties for the 2012 Superbowl, aka the bowl for the 2011 season. AKA just over a year from now. And I think we all know what’s going on with the NFL… the whole purported 2011 season lockout. And I’m sure they have some legitimate concerns. At least, per the NFLPA. But here’s the thing. I actually enjoy football. I’m not really a baseball fan and I hate (hate. HATE!) the NBA due to their player’s association RUINING the sport. It’s so cush that once they sign, they’re set forever and stop trying. Of course, I feel that any athlete who gets hurt should be helped if they are out indefinitely. Worker’s Comp, if you will. But when your MINIMUM SALARY REQUIREMENT for a player with less than a year’s experience is $355,000 a year (the NFL’s actual stats for 2012) then I don’t feel bad for you. Save some money, dumbass.

I don’t want to see the NFL become the new NBA.

And here’s what I propose.

Only the winners get paid.

They’ve said that on the Bob & Tom Show (well, Tom has… he’s grumpy AND I LIKE IT) for pretty much forever. But I’ve tweaked and perfected it. I’ll be waiting by the phone for my job offer when important people finish reading this. Also, pretend my money-numbers make sense. I am failing to recognize what is legit and what isn’t. Just use the general concept, thanks.

Here we go. Everyone gets $10,000 per game each. Win or lose. Period.

Then, if you win, you get $20,000 for that game. And if you make the playoffs, it is increased to 50,000. And then if you win your division or the Superbowl, even more. Ta da! Now you have motivation. This could work great for other sports and honestly I think the NBA needs it if they want anyone to watch them instead of college hoops. College basketballers play their hearts out so they can get into the NBA. That’s why the games are awesome. Does anyone with ZERO NFL experience honestly deserve to make NO LESS THAN $355,000? I mean, maybe some of them “earn” that by the end of the season. But not many. And not upfront like that. Minimum salary for a player who has been in the NFL for 10+ years is $890,000. MIN-I-MUM. Now I know why Brett Favre is so obsessed with not retiring. Cause you know he’s exceeding the minimum salary. That $50,000 fine for failing to cooperate with the misconduct investigation involving his sexting and pee-pee-picture-sending? Not seeming so harsh anymore, is it?

Anyway, back to my plan. You, as a player, will make a good amount. If you lose EVERY GAME, and let’s say there are 18 games, then you make $180,000. For SUCKING. But then again, maybe you didn’t suck! Maybe you RULED. Then a better team can get rid of someone who sucked (coughFAVREcough) and pick you up, so you make more money by winning, and hopefully your awesomeness makes them win MORE, so everyone makes more, making everyone happier. No one can get complacent. You have to work hard to make the big bucks. Which is how it should be. Especially with all the opportunities to make money off the field with commercials, ad campaigns, movies, appearances, etc.

You’re playing a sport. Yes, these athletes need to be in tip-top shape, and work very hard. But many also play way too hard, in the non-sports sense. When you make millions of dollars for playing a sport, and then act a fool and get yourself arrested (especially YOU, Mike Vick- don’t get me started on your sorry ass) there are huge issues that need to be addressed.

I would love this whole lockout thing to get figured out before next season. Because no next season = no Superbowl in Indianapolis in February 2012. But more importantly… I don’t want the NFL to become the NBA. And I do NOT want the NBA to get worse!

I’ll take my $1,000,000 salary now for my great ideas, thanks.

Disclaimer- I’m 100% positive that I don’t know nearly enough about sports to have ideas such as these, and I’m sure there are holes in my plan. But let’s not ruin the moment by pointing these out. Shhhh. Again… I’ll take my million happily now. Pinkie promise to not get myself arrested!

3 comments to Proposal: Let me run all sports in America.

  • Ha. I love your thoughts. I actually stopped watching all pro sports a few years ago because I was tired of the same thing. I felt games were more firework and stunt shows than competition! Minus the fact that I can go to all college sports for free (except football which is $40/game – not bad at all) – I feel like the atmosphere is a lot better and the players play for pride and success – not a new Nike contract.

    Love this post. Oh and I’d pick March Madness over any NBA game, EVER!

  • Amy

    Proposal: You can run all sports in America as long as you allow me to be a head coach somewhere. Preferably that somewhere will be a team with really naughty, egotistical players that I can slap around a bit and put them back in their places (Ahem, Cincinnati, Oakland, etc.). I would love that.

    Great thoughts, I totally agree! :)

  • LAura lew

    A-elfin-men! This is what I’m saying… I will comment more on my iPad bc I love so much of this and have thought it myself… College hoops (and football) in my opinion is just better because of the playing for the damn love of the game!

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